We love stories about heroes. Especially the ones who carry the burden alone. Pop-culture has run rampant with comic book heroes in big-budget movies. Shout out to Batman (my personal favorite)! The most intriguing part of these characters is their humanity. We connect with them on a fundamental level. For example, we all wear “masks” at times that get us through different situations. The masks comic book characters wear give them permission to act in ways that they can’t or won’t without it. These characters can be morally ambiguous, emotionally tormented, and their greatest strength is often their greatest weakness.

Today, I want to discuss a mask many people wear. Maybe there’s no cape or spandex leggings, but the persona is there. This persona is often described as reliable, generous, hard-working, and mature. Many of my clients who describe themselves this way say they just like to “fix” things. So this persona I’ll refer to as “The Fixer.”

Sounds pretty good, right? Think of the opposite: unstable, selfish, lazy, and immature. No, thank you. Most of us would like to be described the first way. In general, we look favorably on those good qualities. In fact, those qualities help build strong societies. Consequently, society praises them, so we have a feedback loop reinforcing them.

Let’s look at one of our society’s heroes, Batman, as an example. At the end of the movie The Dark Knight (2008), Batman allows himself to take the blame for someone else’s crimes. He says, “I’m whatever Gotham needs me to be.” In other words, I’ll be the bad guy so Gotham City can have their good guy.

That’s “The Fixer” in a nutshell: to be whatever is needed in the moment.

Many of us become The Fixer on a daily basis. We take on extra work to help the team. We keep the secret in the family. We do things without having to be asked. We drop what we’re doing when others want help.

The Fixer mask says, “I can give everything and get nothing in return.” The tricky thing is, it works… for a while. They get praised for being helpful or selfless. They seem like the glue that holds relationships together.

The Fixer becomes known for what they can do for others. They often have no expectation of (and often refuse) letting others do things for them. Unfortunately, they’re indirectly telling others they are a tool to be used instead of a person to be loved.

So the person underneath the mask suffers in anonymous silence. Anonymous because they are never truly known. Why are they suffering? Because there is a fear of not being enough, being rejected, or being a burden to those around them. Ultimately, they believe that they are not worthy of love so they attempt to earn it. The fear whispers, “Love must be earned, and it depends on how useful you are.” That fear has a name: shame.

What they give is rarely matched by what they receive. This constant sacrifice and giving to others leads to exhaustion. The Fixer gives more and more until they burn out. Inevitably, The Fixer fails to meet their own expectations. In doing so, they believe they have failed at meeting others’ expectations as well.

The fear of never being enough often leads The Fixer to isolate themselves in different ways, resulting in loneliness or disconnection.

What looks so good on the outside is sometimes driven by something painful on the inside. Fear hijacks generosity and replaces it with self-protection.

The strengths we discussed are real. But without balance, our strengths can become weaknesses. We end up taking blame that isn’t fully ours. We take responsibility for other people’s lack of preparation. We keep secrets that shield others from earned consequences – often by taking some consequence ourselves. We stay vigilant for opportunities to be needed because if no one needs us, we fear we have no purpose.

Because of that, whenever I hear someone call themselves “The Fixer,” I feel compelled to question the title. A more accurate name for the person who becomes whatever the moment demands — and absorbs the shame that comes with it might be “The Shame-Taker.”

The Shame-Taker usually puts on this mask at a very young age. In the short-term it can seem like it keeps relationships intact. In that way, its purpose is protective. As time goes on, more and more is required of them. While The Shame-Taker is a mask that promises to be “whatever is needed,” the person wearing it cannot fulfill that promise. When limitation clashes with expectation, failure is inevitable.

You are more than what you can give. Learn to take off the mask. You don’t have to do it alone. Reach out to a therapist near you. If you’re in Illinois, consider us at Restoration Center Chicago.

 

References

The Dark Knight, & Nolan, C. (Director). (2008).[Motion Picture] Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.