This article is for the broken. For the ones at rock bottom. Those without direction. For those who always find themselves in the company of failure. Stuck in a pattern of sabotage and rejection. Where loss is the norm and gain is just a dream.

What do we do when we don’t know what to do? We’ve tried everything. Nothing seems to work… where every door leads right back to the same place?

We desperately look for obvious signs that point to the way out, convinced they must exist. Signs of what we did wrong, what we could have done better, or what we can do differently next time. We follow the signs we can see in a cycle that feels hopeless.

But what if we are asking the wrong questions? We assume the answer is somewhere “out there.” What if, inside, there’s more to see that’s just waiting to be brought out?

When my clients tell me the details of their story–the details that are there, I ask an unexpected question: What’s not there that should be (or vice versa)? When we’re feeling stuck or lost, we tend to look harder (even in the same places) at what we can see: events, facts, and words, etc. Those things are helpful, but they don’t tell us everything. When we focus so hard on what is visible, we miss what is hidden. Sometimes we need to think about what didn’t occur, what was missed, or what wasn’t said.

A client might be fixated on a specific event (an abuse, an accident). They retell the climax of events that happened to them. That’s what they can see. What they can’t see is often a cohesive timeline with coinciding emotions.

Another example would be infidelity. Clients come in saying their partner cheated on them–again. Sometimes the client is the one who cheated, wondering how to repair things. What they do see is the evidence of infidelity or exposed secrets–and the pain. What they don’t see is the unmet needs, the years of emotional distance, missed opportunities to communicate, etc. While we can all agree that cheating is an unacceptable breach of trust, that wound was often opened long before the infidelity itself.

This idea that what is visible might also be hiding something reminds me of what Martin Heidegger, the German philosopher, wrote in his essay The Question Concerning Technology: everything that is revealed is also concealing something (Heidegger, 1977).

He was asking the same question: If there’s something that is revealed, what is being concealed? In other words, even the things we see clearly–addiction, betrayal, grief – might be hiding something. Let’s look at a few examples that I’ve seen in the therapy room.

Those wrestling with addiction often gain ground only to fall again. What is revealed is an uncontrolled cycle of relying on an external thing to cope with internal pain. What is concealed is the underdeveloped ability to cope with one’s pain: often, a lack of self-compassion, connection, or meaning. If they can learn to deal with their pain in a different way, they may no longer find a need for their addiction.

A client is excessively worrying about their child’s safety. What is revealed is fear that something might happen to the child. What is concealed is unresolved grief from their own childhood, or the desire to control what cannot be controlled–a fantasy that vigilance equals safety.

So what does Heidegger’s idea of revealing and concealing have to do with being stuck?

He offers us a warning about what happens when our perception is too narrow–when we only see part of the picture (what is revealed), and miss what is concealed underneath. The framework he offers points to a way out. In fact, it shows us there is always a way out. Meaning there is always hope. It may not look the way we want it to look, but it’s always there.

What we look for, where we look, and how we look are all clues to our patterns. Those patterns are what can keep us feeling trapped and lost.

Many people reach out to me for help because they’re stuck in their pattern, being swallowed by darkness. What they don’t understand is that the direction the shadow is cast also points to where the light is.

What is concealing is also revealing. What is hidden is not gone–it’s waiting to be brought into presence. What is brought out may be what you needed all along: the key to breaking the pattern.

Hopelessness always conceals H-O-P-E. It’s just waiting to be revealed.

If you’re one who is feeling overwhelmed by failure or can’t seem to find the way out, reach out to a therapist near you. Those of you in Illinois, consider a therapist at Restoration Center Chicago where we make it our mission to be a light in the dark.

References

Heidegger, M. (1977). The Question Concerning Technology. Harper & Row.