Cognitive Distortions and Rules Meant To Be Broken

In Part 1, we broke down the difference between Good and Nice. We looked at the definitions of each and how Christians often make “rules” to live by rather than living by “principles” as Jesus did. In Part 2, we will be discussing the link between “rules” and cognitive distortions. These distortions often chain together, amplifying guilt, shame, anxiety, and even despair. Is that what God wants for us? Let’s find out.

First, let’s define cognitive distortions. These are erroneous, irrational, or exaggerated ways of thinking that can result in negative emotions and behaviors (Morrison, et al., 2022).

In Part 1, we looked at three “rules” that mistakenly get taken from certain scriptures in the Bible. As a quick recap, here are the “rules” we looked at before:

1. “I should never make others uncomfortable or upset them.”
2. “I’m responsible for other people’s pain and well-being.”
3. “I’m offended, but I just need to absorb it and stay quiet.”

Inside these three “rules,” I can identify nine cognitive distortions. I think it’s important to notice how these “rules” don’t just create one negative feeling – they multiply emotional pain. Here are the associated cognitive distortions with an explanation for what they mean:

1. Should Statements – Feeling like you have to act a certain way all the time makes you feel like you have to be perfect, even when it’s not realistic or fair to yourself.

   Rule example: Someone at church makes a general statement saying “If people really trusted God, they wouldn’t struggle with depression.” You want to let them know that many people try to trust God, but still have depression. Instead, you smile slightly and nod so you don’t cause a scene at church because you should always be nice – arguing isn’t nice.

2. Personalization – Thinking you’re responsible for other people’s feelings or problems, even when those things are outside your control.

   Rule example: Someone who is typically more talkative is quiet with you today. You assume that you must have done something to make them quiet because you’re responsible for others’ pain and well-being. In reality, they just have a headache and it has nothing to do with you.

3. Overgeneralization – Taking one rule or idea and stretching it into a never-ending pattern.

   Rule example: Your friend just went through a breakup. You’ve had a couple conversations with them to support them. They text you late at night asking to talk again. You need to sleep to be ready for work in the morning, but you think to yourself “We’re supposed to bear one another’s burdens so I’m responsible for their well-being.” You talk, then are exhausted at work the next day. Your friend calls again that night.

4. All-or-Nothing Thinking – Seeing yourself in extremes like either you’re a “good Christian” who sacrifices everything to take full responsibility for others’ emotions, or you don’t help them at all and you’re selfish and bad. There’s no middle ground where healthy boundaries or shared responsibility might exist.

   Rule example: Someone you know has kids and just lost their job. You take them meals two days in a row. You end up working overtime one day and don’t bring them food. You think to yourself, “I should have been more considerate since I’m responsible for their well-being. They’re struggling and I chose myself over them. I must be selfish and I’m probably a bad Christian.”

5. Catastrophizing – Assuming the worst will happen if you’re honest or set a boundary.

   Rule example: Someone said something offensive to you. You respectfully let them know and asked them not to do it again. Afterward, you ruminate, thinking they may have felt embarrassed. What if they thought you were attacking them? They probably hate you now. They might tell others how mean you were and they’ll never trust you again. You should have just kept quiet.

6. Labeling – Calling yourself bad or unkind based on one action – like setting a boundary or saying no – and letting that one moment define your whole identity.

   Rule example: During a meeting at work, you have a suggestion that might save some work in the long run, but it means altering the proposed plan so you should just stay quiet. You think if you speak up, you’ll be adding to the problem. If you don’t say anything, you think you’re weak and pathetic. Just a coward.

7. Disqualifying the Positive – Ignoring the good in what you said or did just because it doesn’t match a rule you think you should follow. Like thinking your boundary wasn’t loving just because it felt uncomfortable.

   Rule example: Someone makes a passive-aggressive comment about you. Instead of snapping back, you calmly say “That comment felt unfair. Is that what you really think?” Later, you feel guilty about it. You think “Sure, I was calm and stood up for myself, but maybe I made things worse in the long run. I could have just let it go, and maybe things would be better.”

8. Minimization – Telling yourself your own needs or feelings don’t matter that much, just to keep the peace or avoid conflict – even when you’re actually hurt or overwhelmed.

   Rule example: Your husband has been working late a lot and not helping as much with the kids as he usually does. You feel exhausted, but start thinking “I’m being dramatic. He’s tired too from working so much. I can’t ask him to do more just because I’m tired. I can handle it.”

9. Emotional Reasoning – Believing that if something feels bad, it must mean you did something wrong or sinful, even if it’s not true (Hartney, 2023).

   Rule example: I feel guilty that they’re upset. That must mean I was rude because I should never upset others. A good Christian wouldn’t be rude.

   Important note: The distinction between the Holy Spirit’s conviction and this distortion is that conviction comes from the clarity of knowing what you did wrong and offers restoration. The discomfort is anchored to that truth. The feeling itself is not the reason for thinking you did wrong.

If you made it through all those, congratulations. That was a lot. What’s so serious about these is not only do they multiply negativity, they feed into one another. Maybe you gathered that as you read through them? The negativity builds and builds because, in your mind, you’re not allowed to stop it. And yet, not stopping it feels horrible. So what are we to do?

John 8:32 says “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (NASB, 2020)

These cognitive distortions replace God’s truth with false narratives. Sounds a lot like the serpent in the Garden of Eden, right?

The “rules” present themselves as holy when really, it’s slavery. Imprisonment by perfectionism, anxiety, shame, and depression. Living under these “rules” gives the impression that God is impossible to please, bothered by boundaries, and always expecting more. Is that the truth, though?

What is the motivator of these “rules?” They seem to be driven by appeasement, avoidance, shame, rigidity, and obligation. It’s as if we have to earn God’s favor. However, these “rules” lead to burnout and resentment of legalism because the finish line keeps moving.

Alternatively, the Bible gives us “principles” to live by. As Christians, we act under God’s grace. However, our actions are not currency to buy our way to being enough. These “principles” lead us to be more like Jesus. He was good and sometimes nice. He worked, but also slept (Matthew 8:24). He did miracles, but at times chose not to keep doing them (Mark 1:35-38). There are no rigid “rules.”

So what drives these “principles?” Unlike the “rules,” biblical principles are motivated by love, truth, grace, wisdom, and ultimately freedom. The desire to love God and your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:37-39).

• Love compels action grounded in care, not appeasement.
• Truth gives you courage to say hard things, confront wrongs, and be honest without losing compassion.
• Grace allows for human limitation, providing opportunity for growth and learning.
• Wisdom provides adaptability through discernment, not rigidity.
• Freedom comes from the joy of being in relationship with a loving God who removes the fear that fuels the compulsion to earn your worth.

These are not easy concepts to master. Because the “rules” masquerade as holy, it can be hard to escape them. Therapists are trained to identify cognitive distortions – the precursor to “rules.”

At Restoration Center Chicago, our Christian therapists are committed to helping people replace distorted “rules” with biblical principles. If you’re in Illinois, check out our website for more information. Outside of Illinois? Talk to your pastor or faith leader about finding a Christian therapist near you.

Hartney, E. (2023, November 8). 10 Cognitive Distortions That Can Cause Negative Thinking. Verywell Mind. Retrieved July 11, 2025, from https://www.verywellmind.com/ten-cognitive-distortions-identified-in-cbt-22412

Morrison, A. S., Ustun, B., Horenstein, A., Kaplan, S. C., De Oliveira, I. R., Batmaz, S., Gross, J. J., Sadikova, E., Hemanny, C., Pires, P. P., Goldin, P. R., Kessler, R. C., & Heimberg, R. G. (2022). Optimized short-forms of the Cognitive Distortions Questionnaire. Elsevier BV. 10.1016/j.janxdis.2022.102624

New American Standard Bible (Jn 8:32). (2020). The Lockman Foundation.

New American Standard Bible (Mt 8:24). (2020). The Lockman Foundation.

New American Standard Bible (Mk 1:35-39). (2020). The Lockman Foundation.

New American Standard Bible (Mt 22:37-39). (2020). The Lockman Foundation.