Have you ever walked away from a conversation, especially with someone you know well, and felt disoriented or frustrated by what just happened? Maybe you were confused about what the other person was really trying to say. Or perhaps, on reflection, you realized you didn’t communicate what you truly meant to. Either way, something felt off.

Is it possible to work through the murky waters of communication and actually become more skillful at understanding one another? Or are we simply resigned to regular miscommunication, even in our most meaningful relationships?

While some degree of misunderstanding is inevitable, psychotherapists are trained to recognize that every piece of communication unfolds on multiple levels, each carrying its own weight. We are taught to notice and interpret these layers in others, and just as importantly, in ourselves.

Research supports the idea that communication is far more than just the words we say. Psychologist Albert Mehrabian (1971) found that when people communicate feelings or attitudes, only 7% of the message comes through words, while 38% comes through tone of voice and 55% through body language. In short, much of what we’re communicating may never be spoken aloud.

German psychologist Friedemann Schulz von Thun (1981) expanded on this with his “Four-Sides Model,” which suggests that every message communicates on four levels: factual content, emotions and thought process underneath the surface, emotional self-revelation, relational cues, and an implicit request.

These models show us that communication is layered and complex. It includes what we say, how we say it, what we feel while saying it, and what we hope to achieve by saying it. For example, the sentence “You’re late” doesn’t just convey a fact – it might express frustration, signal a relational dynamic (like disappointment or concern), and imply a desire for more punctuality.

Becoming more aware of these dimensions can help us move from confusion toward clarity, and from reactivity toward deeper connection.

Of course, analyzing every conversation in real time isn’t realistic, and in many cases, it might even be counterproductive. But when we’re sharing something deeply important with someone we care about, or when we’re trying to understand a moment that feels emotionally charged or confusing, slowing down and reflecting can be incredibly helpful.

Additionally, you may find that if you are trying to communicate with someone using technology, you have limited access to understanding the full picture of what is being communicated to you. If things are getting murky over text message, you may be missing important communication clues. Consider switching to a phone call, or even better, meeting in person to connect.

Here are two simple frameworks you can use, whether you’re preparing to share something vulnerable, or trying to better understand a recent interaction.

If you’re preparing to share something important:

• What words would be most helpful in this situation?
• How can my tone and posture support what I want to say?
• What emotion am I trying to communicate?
• What is my request or goal in communication?

If you’re processing a difficult conversation:

• When they used that word or phrase, how did I feel?
• What did I notice in their tone or body language?
• What was I feeling in response, and did it match what they seemed to be expressing?
• Do I understand why they said what they did, and how do I feel about it?

Most of our communication with others is unspoken. If you’re feeling confusion, frustration, or just complete lack of clarity, seek to make what is unstated, stated – or what is implicit, explicit.

Are you having trouble doing this on your own? Consider partnering with an individual therapist or a couple’s counselor to get you headed in the right direction – clarity can help lead to calm!

The University of Texas Permian Basin. How much of communication is nonverbal? https://online.utpb.edu/about-us/articles/communication/how-much-of-communication-is-nonverbal/

Allensbach University of Applied Sciences. Four-sides model by Friedemann Schulz von Thun: Understanding messages better. https://www.allensbach-hochschule.de/en/four-sides-model-by-friedemann-schulz-von-thun-understanding-messages-better/