Most of us are taught as children to say “please” and “thank you.” We learn that sharing and waiting our turn is important. I think most of us would agree that those things help us function well in society. But what happens when it’s taken too far – is that even possible?

For years, researchers have sought to view mental health on a spectrum rather than rigid categories. One approach involves integrating the Five Factor Model of personality (five broad traits thought to be the core dimensions of personality) with diagnostic tools such as the DSM-5 (Monaghan, C., & Bizumic, B., 2023).

What all that means is personality traits are generally helpful and adaptive, but sometimes we can over-index on them and they get expressed in extreme, maladaptive ways.

One common way this manifests is through the Agreeableness trait in the Five Factor Model. Agreeableness generally “reflects an individual’s ability to get along well with others and their concern for social harmony” (Gordon, S.). Two facets that make up this trait are Politeness and Compassion. Politeness “describes the tendency to consider other people’s needs and wants, apart from our own.” Compassion describes emotional warmth and the ability to empathize (Park, G.).

Here’s what it might look in real life:

Lauren is busy working on a research paper for college. Her friend, David calls and says his brother is visiting from out of town and, since she knows all the fun spots around the city, he wants Lauren to help show his brother around. Her paper is due tomorrow and she knows that if she stops working on it now, she’ll have to stay up all night finishing it. She also knows that David and his brother will have a much better time if she joins them. While she too would have fun with them, she’d prefer to finish her paper and not stress about it. Instead, she chooses to help David and his brother then spends the whole night finishing her paper. She’s exhausted, the quality of her work suffered, and she has to get to class in two hours.

Similarly, in a couple’s relationship:

Ethan tries hard to be the “good husband” he thinks he should be. He lets Janet choose the restaurants, plans date nights around the things she enjoys, and supports without complaint. They’d been saving for a new car since his broke down, and now that they’ve saved enough, he insists she take the new one. He’ll settle for her old car, even though he’d secretly like the upgrade – she got the last new car too. Janet feels loved and cared for, and she tells him so. But Ethan can’t shake the quiet question lingering in his mind: does she care about him in the same way?

In these examples, Lauren and Ethan are being considerate and thoughtful. They’re putting others first. Those are admirable qualities, aren’t they?

The problem is both of them are consistently getting more bitter and resentful by the day. They’re always giving. They’re always sacrificing. They’re always keeping the peace. Unfortunately, the negative consequences are also building up, and it doesn’t seem to phase anyone around them – like they don’t even care or notice. At least that’s how they perceive it. In reality, those around them do care, but they’re lacking information and opportunity.

Here’s what Lauren’s situation could have looked like:

Lauren is busy working on a research paper for college. Her friend, David calls and says his brother is visiting from out of town and, since she knows all the fun spots around the city, he wants Lauren to help show his brother around. Lauren tells David she would love to help him out and that it sounds like fun, but she needs to finish a paper. She informs him that the last time they went out on a night a paper was due, she got a bad grade so she really needs to do well on this one. She recommends a place that has great pot stickers and a place that has some retro arcade games. David says he understands and thanks her for the recommendations. Later that night, David stopped by her room and dropped off a take-out box of the pot stickers she likes so she would have fuel for her paper. Lauren finished her paper and was happy with how it came out. She got plenty of rest and felt cared for by her friend.

Here’s what the couple might look like:

Ethan does his best to be a “good husband.” He tells Janet that is what he wants. Janet appreciates how he shared his intention and desire with her. She asks him where he would like to go for dinner. He’s honest, and says he wants their regular Mexican place. While they’re eating, he tells Janet he’s been thinking about how he’s always wanted an SUV. Janet asks him why they don’t get that for the new vehicle. Ethan shares that he wanted her to feel special and get the new car. Janet is at a loss for words for his willingness to let her have the new car, but she knows her car is only a few years old and she was the one who got the new car last time. She tells him that he deserves to have the new car, one that he likes. Janet knows she’s special to Ethan and feels loved by his generosity. Ethan got the food he wanted that night, and also got to see how Janet cares for him and wants him to have good things too. He may even get the SUV.

The highly agreeable person is compassionate and polite, but sometimes they get so busy focusing on others that they forget to let others focus on them. True compassion and politeness sometimes means allowing others to prioritize our needs or wants because they want to express love in that way too. Robbing them of that ability is actually the opposite of compassion or politeness.

If these examples sound like you, congratulations, you’re probably highly agreeable!

To keep things balanced, here are a few questions to ask yourself:

• Do I believe it’s ok to say no?
• Have I shared my needs or desires?
• Why am I shying away from disagreements?
• Is it ok to let others focus on me sometimes?

Sometimes we don’t know the answer to these questions or need help figuring out why we answer the way we do. If that’s the case, a therapist is a great resource to help you get to the bottom of things. Check us out at Restoration Center Chicago or look for one local to you.

References

Gordon, S. Agreeableness as a Personality Trait. https://www.verywellmind.com/how-agreeableness-affects-your-behavior-4843762

Monaghan, C., & Bizumic, B. (2023). Dimensional models of personality disorders: Challenges and opportunities. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 14, 1098452. 10.3389/fpsyt.2023.1098452

Park, G. The Agreeableness Dimension of Personality. https://www.traitlab.com/blog/agreeableness