Does this text conversation look familiar?

Jess: Hello?
Jess: You haven’t texted me all day.
Spencer: Sorry, busy day.
Jess: Too busy to check in? So you just forgot about me?
Spencer: I didn’t forget. I’ve just been working. How does not texting for a couple hours mean I forgot about you?
Jess: Because I like to know you’re thinking about me.
Spencer: I am. Just because I don’t text doesn’t mean I don’t care…
Jess: It just feels like I’m the only one making the effort.
Spencer: Why do you think I made you dinner last night? That’s not effort?
Jess: That was nice, but you didn’t even say ‘bye’ before you left this morning
Spencer: I said ‘bye’ yesterday, but you still got mad…
Jess: Yeah, you were only doing it because I told you that I wanted you to do it more.
Spencer: I don’t know what you want from me. I’ve gotta go.

The couples I see often come in with some variation of this conversation. Here, Spencer and Jess are texting to communicate. However, they’ll never be able to understand each other until they speak the same language. I don’t mean English (or any other speech). I mean emotional language.

Jess relies heavily on intention. Because of how she was raised, she learned not to trust the actions of others. It’s likely that her caregivers’ actions left her feeling cared for sometimes, but neglected or even hurt other times. She believed they loved her, but their actions didn’t always convey that. She had to trust their intentions even when their actions hurt. Intentions are everything for Jess.

Spencer came to a different conclusion. Growing up, Spencer likely tried to express needs for comfort or closeness (such as crying), but he was met with indifference or even punishment. He learned that expressing his emotional needs, at best, didn’t help and, at worst, hurt him. His caregivers might have even told him that they were punishing him because they loved him. He believes he’s better off just figuring things out himself. To Spencer, intentions don’t matter if they still lead to him getting hurt. Actions are everything, because emotions are confusing and painful.

One is speaking intention. The other is speaking action. They both see the other’s way of communicating as problematic. They will never be convinced of the other’s good will until they balance things out.

In an ideal world, they would rely on both action and intent. Actions matter in demonstrating reliability. Intentions create trust, especially in moments of misunderstanding. When things go wrong, they can see a general pattern of appropriate actions with good intentions, and give each other the benefit of the doubt rather than focusing on a single event where things have gone awry. If intentions and actions are consistently unreliable, well, that’s a different story — one that may indicate deeper issues in the relationship.

Here’s how the conversation could have gone if they spoke the same emotional language:

Jess: Hey, you haven’t texted me all day
Spencer: Hey! Sorry, work has been crazy. Everything ok?
Jess: Yeah, I just like hearing from you.
Spencer: Got it. I wasn’t ignoring you. Just got caught up. I’ll try to check in next time.
Jess: Thanks. I know you’re busy. I just miss you.
Spencer: Miss you too. I’ll text you when I can.
Jess: Ok, love you.
Spencer: Love you, too.

Rather than dismissing Jess’s need for reassurance or getting defensive, Spencer acknowledges her feelings and takes the opportunity to set a realistic boundary. On the other hand, Jess expresses her emotions without assuming neglect or expecting excessive validation. Here, the couple shared an emotional language by balancing action and intention. Actions provide tangible proof of care, while intentions build trust and emotional safety. Instead of focusing on this single moment where things have gone awry, they took into account the overall pattern of reliable goodwill, allowing them to navigate the conversation with mutual understanding rather than conflict.

If you and your partner find yourself in a similar cycle, you’re not alone. Many couples can fall into unhelpful patterns. If you think you might need some help or just a neutral third party, consider finding a therapist near you. If you’re in Chicago, check out Restoration Center Chicago.